Our Lady of Perpetual Downhill

Hallelujah Brethren.  Welcome to Our Lady of Perpetual Downhill.  Draw near and hear the word of the board.  Yes, my brothers and sisters, the run I'll ask you to shred is narrow.  It will be long.  It will be steep with many tempting backroads.  you will suffer and you will sweat; these things I cannot deny.  But have faith ye of small acrobatic capacity.  Shred on, my tiny calved friends, for you shall harvest the fruits of your labors.  Be diligent in your crusade down the mountain.  Do not be fooled by false jumps.  Ignore the demons pounding in your ears, screaming in your brain, "slow down.  It's too fast.  Cut across. It's too steep."  Shout out "Get behind me Satan of sloth.  Yea, though I cut through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no big air, for I have drank and I will be known."  Then we shall dig down deep within our soul and chant "Faster.  Faster.  Faster.  Faster."
And when we ascend back to the top of the mountain, we take a moment of silence, catch our breath, and give thanks to the quad chairlift.  As we gaze at the lodge below, we know in our hearts that we have risen above the slothful and degenerate.  We endure the wicked conditions on the lift, and then stand before the top of the glorious mile long nirvana.
Go now, bomb forth, enjoy, my devoted flock, enjoy.  Let your spirit be filled with the sound of slicing snow and bouncing board.  May you make every turn and bite lower edge not.  May big air come between your board and the ground.  And may your descent be hair, scary, and safe.  And I realize that some of you will not be back, but will find comfort in the lodge and solace on a pair of skiis.
And when asked of your faith you will look to the ground attempting to hide your shame.  you will stutter as you try to explain "...I, I, I used to snowboard..." but the obvious guilt of non-boarding will reflect on your face like a freshly waxed board in the sunlight.  Don't try to make excuses, no explanation needed.  For the rest of us will be here next Sunday, and the Sunday after that.  And if you show up here and find no one, you can be sure we're out there somewhere.  And we'll be praying for your soul...